As I was writing my post on how to journal, I kept thinking to myself: “Am I being clear?” For the most part I think I am. However, I realized that when I read posts like mine, I feel kinda stuck. Like, how on Earth do I use art to journal?? SOO.. what I have decided to do is share with you some, if not all, of my journal posts.
My purpose for doing so is not only to inspire you to write for self-reflection, but also to share with you the insight that I have gained from this journey. Because, truth be told, my writing journey has saved my life. I know so much more about myself, my values, my struggles, areas for improvements and my strengths through using quotes and prompts as a precursor for my journal.
I must warn you, many of my posts are very blunt (not R Rated), but to the point and not sugar-coated. If I learned anything in therapy, it would be that I need to own my thoughts and my emotions just as they are.
Here is my most recent entry, which I completed this morning over breakfast and coffee. Please enjoy and feel free to leave a comment!
My life has been messy, very imperfect, and also very beautiful. I have struggled for years with believing that this was my story and that it’s supposed to be this way. I was talking to a client at work this week about the distorted way of thinking called “compare and despair,” which is when I compare myself to others and then put myself down because of my expectations for myself.
“Oh why I can’t I look like her? Why can’t I be as happy as she is? How is she soo productive? What is wrong with me?”
When I do this, I place myself in a victim role, and I am the guest of honor at my own pity party. This can also be called self-sabotage at it’s finest. This gets me nowhere, literally nowhere but into a darker hole of self-loathing.
BUT… What if I started comparing myself to the person I was yesterday?
“Can I work harder? Can I be kinder to myself and to others? How can I be better to my body and my living space today? In what ways can I be more present for the one’s that the most important to me, like my friends, boyfriend, furrrrr-babies and my clients? “
I discussed this with my client and it seemed to open his eyes to what he was doing to himself emotionally and spiritually.
If I have learned anything from the wonderful Brene Brown, it’s just that! Perfectionism is a vicious cycle of me trying to achieve the impossible inside by using an external locus of control. It’s like me trying to have super powers. No one has super powers (although if you do, PLEASE message me). But for some reason, I have un-human expectations of myself. No wonder I’m depressed, anxious and worst of all.. angry. This drives my depression, “What’s the point?” It goes back to the concept of ‘failing by default’ (stay tuned, this entry is next). I stay stuck.
However, if I start comparing myself to the person I was the day previous, this makes my goal more realistic. It motivates me to be better every day; a better version of myself. As long as I’m doing the best I can with what I have, I’m doing pretty well! Even.. wait, ESPECIALLY on my bad days, I need to practice compassion for myself and for others. It helps me improve from yesterday, even if it took all of my energy just to get out of bed.
By showing up to my messy, imperfect, beautiful life, I prove to myself that I am worth working on and striving for better. And it involves no one but me. And that my friends is an internal locus of control.